2010 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. Be more like this somehow, someway

2. Reread Lolita

3. Read (and finish) Leaves of Grass

4. Get back down to goal weight (I had such a shitty shitty year!)

5. Stop falling in love with the guys who work at Barnes and Noble (SERIOUS THIS TIME)

6. Stop thinking the "hard c-word" so much. It is going to get me into trouble.

MY VERY PERSONAL BUT QUITE AUTHORATIVE TOP TEN BEST COMEDY SHOWS OF THE 00S

1. The Colbert Report
2. Look Around You
3. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
4. The Office (UK)
5. The Venture Brothers
6. Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job
7. 30 Rock
8. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
9. Arrested Development
10. Stella

Notes:

My criteria for this were: 1) Must have started in the 00s (that's why there's no Futurama or The Daily Show) and 2) must have been transcendently* funny, i.e., a game-changer. In some way or another, it had to change the way shit's did. Honorable mention to Adult Swim for creating a place where great comedy can flourish.

I omitted The Office (American) because it's so annoying and up its own ass and I goddamn can't stand looking at any of their faces (except Steve Carell and Mindy Kaling).

*This isn't how I imagined coming out of the closet, but here we are.

MY VERY PERSONAL TOP TEN FILMS OF THE 00S: EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING IT

1. Wet Hot American Summer
2. There Will Be Blood
3. Inglourious Basterds
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. Punch Drunk Love
6. George Washington
7. Ratatouille
8. The Royal Tenenbaums
9. Brokeback Mountain
10. DiG!

Notes:

I very nearly included "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy," but I feel like "Wet Hot American Summer" covered what ATLORB did, if in a different way and a little earlier. They're both game-changers, and for the better. The Royal Tenenbaums gets in largely because Rushmore can't, by technicality. If the latter had been made a little later, I might not have included TRT.

"Most underrated"*
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Pineapple Express (the best, and possibly only good movie** Seth Rogan's ever made)
Children of Men
Junebug
Bamboozled
The Saddest Music in the World
Hot Rod

*I know, I know, grammar nerds. Please bear with me.
**I haven't seen "Observe and Report" yet.

TEN THINGS I LOVE

1. Reading things in Italian

2. My mom, who is much better than I deserve

3. "Hardon" by Withered Hand



4. My brothers. Two wrassling, football-playing feminists! With brilliant senses of humor! I am blessed.

5. Being proven wrong

6. The Daily Bunny

7. Re-seeing things

8. Banh mi

9. Slick city pavement

10. Opening up

SHOCKED AND HURT

My brother just made this face because of a crack I made that went too far*. I am laughing so hard and am completely unequipped to explain why to other, less meme-savvy people. Time-travelers, help! I need you now more than I ever!

(I assume the future will have developed etiquette, or at least vocabulary for this sort of thing)

*I later apologized, no monster am I.

"EVEN KANYE?" "ESPECIALLY KANYE!"

This is what g-d's face looks like when you come into heaven.

MY FAVORITE MOMENT A MOVIE I SAW THIS YEAR

This is from David Mamet's Homicide, which came out when I was six, so forgive me for getting to it late (when the Criterion came out earlier this year). I still think about this scene (the granddaughter of the murdered woman confronting Joe Mantegna's character) once a week or so.

PRO TIP

The word "goodies" should ONLY be used in referring to these rad dads:



Them's it.

SHOCKING: "SUPERCILIOUS CUNT" ONLY HAS 520 HITS ON GOOGLE?!?

How is that even possible? It must be because people think it way more than they say it.

(I know that is true of me)

TAYLOR SWIFT: THE WORST

From Fourfour:

...if the AMAs are the celebration of a crass industry's crassness, then awarding Taylor Swift so often (via satellite) was the perfect choice, as she strikes me as particularly fake and dishonest in an industry that peddles artifice as a matter of course...yeah, I'm sure they were going to turn that camera on her and then be like, "Oh, sorry, country music singer, you didn't win." It all looked too rehearsed (and poorly -- where's the emotional variation, Taylor?), and I'm sure they told her to do this, but that she went along with it is just gross. I don't care how old you are, fraudulent is fraudulent. I'm so sick of this one and her bubblegum that she swears is country music because she pops it with the slightest of twangs. She pissed me off the second she glided back onstage at the VMAs to reclaim the acceptance speech that was so cruelly taken from her, as if she had anything of consequence to say in the first place! And then, she made the talk-show rounds that week, enthusing about how "supportive" everyone was being, as though she lost a kidney or a family member and not a minute of yammering (temporarily!). As though the Kanye debacle didn't bring her even more attention, which is CLEARLY HER POINT OF EXISTING as a commercial POP musician. You guys, make sure you support Taylor Swift after she sells a kajillion copies of her next album. It's going to be kind of rough for her and it'd be better if you didn't treat her like she was retarded, even though I know that's what you like to do to pop stars instead of worshiping them, America. Don't throw her away! Don't flush her down the toilet like the pinched guppy that she is.

I ROLL SULAWESI-STYLE

Hmm. (puts fist under chin in a move that for some reason connotes thoughtfulness) How can I convey to people that I know my way around an old-timey rumble while ingesting legal drugs? BOOM.

EYEBULBS AND MINDGRAPES

Gah! Sorry about that. That's my eye. I've been trying to figure out what the hell color it is. It's like, mostly green-y with gold flecks and a brown ring. It's not pretty, that's for sure. I had some dude say that to me once. "Your eyes, they're not going to get you much." Thanks, man.

THINGS I SAW TODAY THAT I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO UNSEE

YOWZA

Can someone make this into a t-shirt for me? I have a date tonight.

SORRY TO GET POLITICAL

(hissedwhisper)Why isn't anyone stopping him? This is the Beatles, for fuck's sake! What's next, the other most beloved popular art in the world? Jezus.(/hissedwhisper)

I AM ON A DIET

LADYBUG!

I'm going to take this as a good omen. Why not?

TAKE THAT, OBAMA AND JELLYBEANS!

My attempts to organize my space seem to have led to some kind of political art-piece.

GIRL CAT

Interests: sunbeams, Beneful.

PEARL JAM DO DEVO

If Eddie Vedder were more aware, he would have done it full-on Vedder-vocal, "Jeremy"-style. It would have made the world a richer place.

Someone is brilliant.

I DONE CLOSED THIS BLOG UP

I ran into someone from my past who knew more about me than I had expected. AWKWARD. So now this will be a swank, member's only kind of place. And maybe now I will feel more comfortable posting something longer than two sentences!

"WAS"

We all agree that the "fat slob" is more attractive, right? Good.

IF YOU CAN'T ROCK ME...

*





Remember a couple of years ago, when vintage t-shirts were in? LOOKS LIKE WE ALL DID IT WRONG, BETTER GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN.

(oh the things I would do for that "I Need the Stones..." one)

*The guy in the "God is Sound" shirt is Grateful Dead drummer Mickey Hart, and that's the second time he's come up in the past twelve hours and my life. Weird.

AHEM

This blog is getting lock starting this Sunday. Then I will be able to let shit get real! So plan accordingly (for both, why not).

CHAWMP

I found this on The Onion AV Club review of tonight's "30 Rock," and it made me laugh way, way more than it should have.

IMPORTANT QUESTION

I never saw "Dunston Checks In," so I'm curious: did Dunston, the orangutan in question, actually "check in"? Or did he have someone else do it for him?

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF LATE NIGHT

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is great!

KANYE/LADY GAGA TOUR CANCELED

YOU FINALLY DID IT, GARBAGE CANS!

WHAT I DID ON YOM KIPPUR (BECAUSE I HAD TO GET MY MIND OFF OF MY STOMACH)

Please read the Wikipedia article on Martin Luther and Anti-Semitism, if only for:

Luther's attitude toward the Jews changed over the course of his life. In the early phase of his career—until around 1536—he expressed concern for their plight in Europe and was enthusiastic at the prospect of converting them to Christianity through his evangelical reforms. In his later career, Luther denounced the Jewish people and urged for their harsh persecution.

because

In his 1523 essay That Jesus Christ Was Born a Jew, Luther condemned the inhuman treatment of the Jews and urged Christians to treat them kindly. Luther's fervent desire was that Jews would hear the Gospel proclaimed clearly and be moved to convert to Christianity...A few years later, in 1528, Luther reported a nearly fatal bout of diarrhea brought on by his consumption of Kosher food. In a letter to Melancthon, Luther suggested that the Jewish community had attempted to poison him. Luther further suggested that Kosher foods, which he believed to be disagreeable with the constitution of Gentiles, were eaten by the Jews (who, presumably, would not experience adverse effects from their consumption) as a show of superiority over the Gentiles and as a means of separating themselves from the mainstream German culture.

up to

The prevailing view among historians is that his anti-Jewish rhetoric contributed significantly to the development of antisemitism in Germany, and in the 1930s and 1940s provided an ideal foundation for the National Socialist's attacks on Jews.

Holy shit!

THERE GOES A NARWHAL!

Oh shit, are The B52's one of my favorite bands? If nothing else they might be way higher than I thought.

COLLISION COURSE

Holy shit, I guess this happened.

(via That's Important)

OMG PIG TUM

BOY I REALLY LOVES THIS

This is the best one of these that he's ever done. Especially in light of the Kanye/Lady Gaga tour almost getting canceled because of you garbage cans. Thanks a lot, garbage cans.

AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD

NEUN

The number 9 is revered in Hinduism and considered a complete, perfected and divine number.


I remember 9/9/99 (surprisingly) well. A teacher commented on it (he noted that "the world did not blow up;" I was unaware that this had been a possibility). Later that day the MTV VMA Awards were on. I remember absolutely nothing from them*.

*Was that when Ben Stiller hosted? I refuse to go look.

NINE NINE OH! NINE

Peter Serafinowicz's Beatles sketches are pretty fantastic.



(that Paul impression in particular is brilliant. Oh and TIM HEIDECKER!)







I like how in each of these Ringo is a sort of avuncular voice of reason.

(which is of course how we all remember him)

I MEAN, REALLY!

Sean Lennon: Hmm. I want to really hammer it home that I am neither as smart nor as talented as either of my parents. Got any ideas?

Terry Richardson:


Sean Lennon: KILLED IT!

SWEDISH COPSE

Find out what album goes here. It's HEELARIOUS, and might help you understand the Sixties.

(I think it might have done to me)

TOONCES

Toonces Without a Cause. I need to buy this. Jack Handey is a hero.

"HORRAY" FOR BEING A WOMAN

Dudes, I just found out that my ankles are WELL under the average size for women! That means I don't have cankles! I think! I'm not totally sure what they are! And I bet you aren't either! Go ahead, think about it! I bet that you can think of at least more than one definition of them, or at least cannot imagine them easily based upon the definition/s you are given!

(the whole thing smells to me like something a Mad Man dreamt up to sell boots or whatever)

LITTLE TANQUERAY

Am I a lush if I have a cat named after a brand of gin?

THE TIDE IS TURNING

My brother declares another victory in his fight against Michael Cera.

CAT TALK

My cat likes to steal OB tampons. I have seen her open closed drawers and then closed boxes to get at them. She seems to like to bat them around with her paw, and then roll them under the piano.

(seriously there were like 50 of them under there)

((I am drunk))

PUPPIES DRESSED AS CATS

A.K.A. "Conan Tries to Make the Internet Explode."

THE GOODTIMES KID

yo see this shit it is fresh

JEANNE DIELMAN 23, QUAI DE COMMERCE 1080 BRUXELLES

This is the first movie I've ever seen that I really wish I had made.

RE-VOLT

I want to nom the holy hell out of Volt's (Top Chef's Bryan Voltaggio's restaurant) Sunday brunch menu.

"THE KNACK...AND HOW TO GET IT" IS ON HULU

I AM DISGUSTED WITH THE INTERNET

How is there not an lolcat for this yet? Same goes for this guy:



Do I have to do everything around here?

ARE YOU A NERD?

Do you like graphic novels? Are you, at least, an Alan Moore fan? He wrote the novelization of the famous movie "The Watch Men," FYI. Anyway, I have a first edition copy of "Lost Girls" I am selling. I will give you a good deal.

MONKEY POOL PARTY

There goes the Aquatic Ape Theory.

SEE? SEE?

Edgar Wright on THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT.

THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT is available to watch legally here.

NADIRS

Whenever I start eating potato chips, I find I turn to the camera, 24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE-style, and say "this is a low point for me, obviously."

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FABULOUS STAINS

I just saw this and holy mother of g-d I loved it.

MAD MIGHTY BOOSH MEN

I combined my two favorite shows!

60's Howard:



60's Vince:

THE BLOGS WHOSE POSTS I LOOK FORWARD TO MOST

(obviously excluding my friends and family)

Videogum

the impossible cool.

The Daily Bunny

1001 rules for my unborn son

(I think this dude's from Maryland, he's mentioned crabs)

If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger, There'd Be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats

That's Important

cats are always doing shit

The Criterion Current

I WENT ON A FAMILY VACATION TWO WEEKS AGO

Here are some highlights from a family vacation to Delaware (JEALOUS?).



(they do not have Sonic where I am from)




















I ought to explain this one. Rookered into going to a haunted house (which I hate, because I am a grown up), I amused myself by looking at all of the tags people had left in there. This is a demon's tail that's been mosaiced with years (actually, probably a week's) worth of chewed gum.