IRRESPONSIBLE

How he gonna take care of them kids?

WORST MOVIE EDITS ON TV

Nowhere on this list is my personal favorite, from Bravo's edit for The Professional, wherein Gary Oldman's "I don't have time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!" is changed to "I don't have time for this Mickey Mouse bell squash!" My friends and I said that all the time in high school.

NOW, WHY IS THE RECORD INDUSTRY DYING?

Prepubescent children, media executives say, are among the few remaining reliable buyers of music.

No idea!

IF YOU ARE NOT ON TWITTER, WHY ARE YOU NOT ON TWITTER?

Actual quote from Stephen Fry's Twitter:

"Fiff and poo."

MR PRESIDENT OBAMA PLEASE STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THIS (PT. II)

I talked to my Moms (a former employee of Sidwell Friends) about this and she said that SF makes its school closing decisions based largely on the weather in Montgomery County, because that's where most of their students live.

So there! Good thinkin', wannabe Lincoln!

YES, AT LEAST HALF OF MY POSTS WILL/WILL CONTINUE TO INVOLVE DAVID FOSTER WALLACE IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

In the universe of Infinite Jest, Rush Limbaugh becomes president sometime in early part of the 21th century. When I first read IJ I thought, "well, that idea works for the time this was written (1993-1995), when Rush was helping to foment '94's 'Republican Revolution;' but it's aged terribly. That guy's nowhere near where he once was!"

And then I read things like this.

MR PRESIDENT OBAMA PLEASE STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THIS

I know that our readiness to cancel schools in the DC area seem silly to someone who has lived in a snowier climate, but:

1) It is foolish to trifle with ice storms.

2) We don't really get so much snow around here. Let the kids have some fun.

3) The DC road system is usually clogged with out-of-towners who don't understand it. Nudge.

Also, "instilling some Chicago toughness" sounds like part of a set-up to a Vaudeville joke.

BAD BRAINS

DOCUMENTARY COMING SOON

PUPPY BOWL V

The only good part of the year is here--Puppy Bowl! February 1! And this year promises to be better than ever*! My money is on Bella, the 12 week-old pit bull mix to take it all.



She is going to stice**.

*All I'll say is this: National Anthem.

**My heart.

I MADE MY DREAMS COME TRUE

(When saying it in your mind, put the emphasis on "aww" and go up a little on the "yeah." See? Hilarious.)

IT ALL COMES BACK TO ME, AGAIN

John Updike died today/yesterday (I am up late), which feels strange for me, because I just read David Foster Wallace's review of whatever his latest book was in 1999 (the sci-fi-ish one). It's strange because it resulted in the most I had ever thought about Updike in my life, and because it is (koff koff) decidedly less than an encomium.

TI AMO

"Language" professors are the hotnessest. Does this jibe with your own experience(s)?

THE BEST PODCAST HAS RETURNED*

The Cold Bath has just uploaded its first episode in nearly a year. Yay!

*The Best Show on WFMU, The Leonard Lopate Show, On The Media, Radiolab, Entitled Opinions, Bookworm, and Seven Second Delay are also radio shows first and therefore not podcasts proper. It is not that they're necessarily better, but they do give TCB a run for its money.

IF I WERE ON "INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO"

Favorite word: Bluish
Least favorite word: Turdburgler*
What turns on you: Honesty
What turns you off: Snobbery
What sound do you love: Ocean
What sound do you hate: Phone ringing
Favorite curse: I really don't like to swear. I say "shoes!" sometimes because I hate "shit," and that energy has to get out somehow.
What profession would you like to attempt: Belletrist
What profession would you not like: Teacher
What would you like to hear God say to you: "You're all right!"
Who makes you laugh: My brother Matt. Once he threw up in the Kmart parking lot (he was suffering from a mild yet sudden stomach bug) and then hoisted his fists into the air and yelled "PAAARTY!" And he was eleven at the time! I think I am in the presence of greatness.

*There's no possible way anyone has anything worse than this.

GODDAMN IT WHITE PEOPLE (PT. II)

Now, I don't know that the carver of this is white. But it is from Whole Foods, which is a Stuff That White People Like.

HOCKEY MASCOTS ARE THE BEST

To about the power of 10 million. I mean, how can you pick? The suspended octopus? The top-hatted orca whale? Or "I Am" Spartacat?

(But not Youppi. Never Youppi.)*

*N.B. the German word for "yippie" is "yippeh." This is totally hilarious.

I HEARBY CLAIM

The term "Jezebelletrist," which I just thought of.

GODDAMN IT WHITE PEOPLE

Can't I go one week without having to feel unutterably embarrassed to be one of you?

BOOS 'N YAYS TO FREDERICK'S BARNES AND NOBLE

BOOS

-Getting my caramel macchiato wrong. Fucker needs soy milk!

-The employee who complained about having to stock the lesbian fiction, and then later gave me a friendly smile, to which I reflexively smiled back and made me all kinds of awkward and shameful.

-The surfeit of "super easy" New York Times crossword books. C'mon, guys.

YAYS

-Cool stuff at the 75% off table (e.g. Henry Darger-esque Christmas mugs)

-Table with nothing but Darwin and evolution books. I am glad to see science coming back!

-They didn't have the "inside" law school admissions book I was going to look at. Things like that just feed the obsessive and worrisome side of my personality.

PROMISES PROMISES

Time to hold our president's feet to the fire.

PIKE PROBS

I was on Rockville Pike (near Richard Montgomery) the other day and there was a place with an obscured storefront (I couldn't find it anywhere) but a huge sign that said:

Bubble Tea
Hookah
Kebab
Sushi*

WHAT IS THIS PLACE? Ten Ren? I tried googling it but nothing came up.

*I think

I LOVE IT

Ha ha ha. Well, I thought it was funny. That's the whole reason Biden's there, I bet: to bust b's. Obama can't do it! He knows better than to give the nutty branch of the Right too much ammo. That's why he re-did the oath; he's got shit he wants to get done. The media* is treating this like another big "gaffe" (i.e. not funny and ill-timed) but it didn't read that way to me. Maybe, though, that's partly because I just like Joe Biden. I can't help it! He's from Delaware (which would be Maryland, if not for one big reason**), so I feel like he's one of my own. He vacations at Rehoboth, just like me! And he eats Grotto Pizza, and probably goes to Lingo's, like me! And I bet he's pissed about them tearing down the Blue Surf in Bethany to put in horrible crappy condos that now they can't sell, like me! How can I call him a "gaffer," then, over a little b-busting?

*I nearly wrote "the rest of the media," as though this blog is up there with MSNBC or The Huffington Post.
**Philly stink.

OH MY GOD FRANCE SHUT UP FOR FIVE SECONDS

SERIOUSLY CLAM IT

I AM...

I have been unable to stop listening to this all day.

SPIKE LEE

"AWW YEAH!"

It's been a week or so, but this is still killing me.

JOY DIVISION

Joy Division, Grant Gee's documentary from last year about guess who, is on Pitchfork.tv. See this. Don't bother with Control, which thought it was a movie but was actually a Vogue ad (whoops). And it nearly put me off kissing. How is that even possible?!

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I forgot to post my New Year's Resolutions! Here they are:

1. Read Middlemarch
2. Start playing the piano again
3. Stop falling in love with the guys who work at Barnes & Noble
4. Reread Infinite Jest

A STUNNING PIECE OF GOOD LUCK

Big news: my boy Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) has hooked me up with tickets to the Inauguration. Bro: I am so sorry that I almost voted for the Green Party candidate.

The tickets:

25 THINGS

1. One of my passions is design, so much so that I nearly became an architect.

2. I check fredflare.com, like, every day.

3. My dream is to be a writer/filmmaker, but I fear that I did not go to a fancy enough school to pull it off.

4. I'm converting to Judaism this year.

5. I think my favorite thing in the world is the Criterion Collection.

6. I've made a vow not to buy any more CDs, unless I have to. It's all vinyl and digital from now on.

7. I make it a point not to judge based on another's grammar, spelling, or typos.

8. I have been in earthquakes, floods, tornados, and hurricanes.

9. I drink so much Sprite Zero in a day that it kind of looks like I have a problem.

10. I'm pretty sure I was groped by a guy in a costume at Disney World when I was 15.

11. I've never read Middlemarch, but I have seen Hot Rod, like, ten times.

12. Even though I had my cyst taken out, like, nine months ago, I still avoid putting pressure on my tailbone by force of habit.

13. I have my library card number memorized (I just have a good memory, I swear!).

14. The first movie I ever saw in a theater was Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I'm pretty sure this alone is about 30% responsible for whatever is wrong with me.

15. I went on an upside roller-coaster* for the first time last summer.

16. I have very sensitive, uh, senses. Loud, sudden noises make me gasp audibly and my muscles tense up visibly. And I've been like that since I was a baby.

17. When I was born, I did not cry, even when spanked. And because there was a group of student doctors observing the delivery, I was greeted to the world with a round of applause.

18. My favorite words are "bluish" and "petrichor." One for the sound, the other for its meaning (respectively).

19. I have never dyed or highlighted my hair.

20. I have never really worn makeup. My eyes are buggy as fuck, so any liner or shadow literally makes me look like a prostitute, and I've never gotten the hang of foundation/concealer/blush/whatever well enough so that I don't feel like I look stupid. I will occasionally wear a little lip smear.

21. Since I lost weight, I've been unable to wear my high school or college rings. They fall right off.

22. I love crossword puzzles, and I'm not bad at them either. I can usually get the New York Times Sunday one done (son).

23. My favorite food is probably the German potato salad from the Dutch Market in Germantown, Maryland. Runner up: salted caramel anything.

24. I'm nearing the end of a 365 project. Only a month to go!

25. I'm a numismatist.

*Is there a different word/phrase for this that doesn't make me sound like a five year old?

I'M NOT DONE WITH THIS NETFLIX THING

I mean, really, why Roy Rogers? It's too banal to be bizarrely funny, like the Rick-Roll. Now that I think about it, Robinson Crusoe on Mars would be the perfect movie to fake people out with, because once they've realized that instead of L'Atalante or 3 Women they've got something about a chimp in a spacesuit, they can sit down and watch a pretty good movie, if they're so inclined. In that respect, it's even better than the Rick-Roll!

I HAD IT COMING, SOMEHOW

I feel somehow responsible for Netflix sending me a switcheroo'd* copy of Robinson Crusoe on Mars. Even more than I usually do about stuff.

*Instead of a normal-looking mass-produced Criterion DVD with an arty graphic on one side, I received an apparently homemade DVD with "Robinson Crusoe on Mars--1964" in thin Sharpie on the plastic surrounding the center hole. OK. But it was actually a two-sided disc of four Roy Rogers features. Why? Is it a prank? Have I been Roy-Rolled?

FOUR THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM SHAQ'S TWITTER THIS WEEK

1. Shaq is working on a PhD in Human Resource Development (because he is a people person)

2. Shaq is interested in meeting people who follow him on Twitter

3. Shaq decided to go to bed upon learning of Eddy Curry's legal troubles

4. Shaq thinks that "Soul Man," Bernie Mac's posthumously released movie, is the funniest movie ever

(more; so many more)

DUDE-A-DAY

YEAHHHH CHECK OUT MY BIRTHDAY NOVEMBER 6 OZZUM OZZUM OZZUM

WHAT? I GOTTA BE IN JERSEY?

(actually that totally works, culturally)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE

While the teaming of Thelonious Monk (piano) with John Coltrane (tenor sax) might "look better on paper," as the adage goes, rest assured the results are even better on the disc.

Does she mean something like "one might think that the pairing of Monk and Coltrane would be better on paper than on disc, but this is not the case," perhaps? Or am I just stupid? Yes?

WOW! REALLY?

"Milk" is a traditional, star-driven biopic (it's like "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" with gay politics instead of country music)

THE ORIGINAL TITLE...

...of "Pineapple Express" was "Best Buds."

No it wasn't.

But it should have been.

(or at least a tagline)

HEY I'M BACK

Been in Vermont for ten days or so, what's going on around here HEY WAIT A MINUTE

LONELY ISLAND FTW

MOTHMAN

hello jerk readers, has anyone ever heard of the mothman???????? if not he is this big and scary monster with big red eyes that is said to be a mutated bird from WW2.

hell naw

why you gotta ruin this for us? also: turtleneck under the jersey is a supernova of gay

(via mr. irrelevant)

umbc

they should change umbc's name to maryland state. just sounds better.

poop

for all the latest medical poop
call surgeon general sanjay gup
taaaaaaa

poo-poo pa-doop

mean lady

has anyone ever heard of this mean lady named mrs Gomer.......... if not she is this mean english teacher at poolesville high school who NO ONE likes!

MELISSA MADE ME POST THIS

PRETTY DOPE THO

melissa wants me to post this

i dont get it

my grammy's cat

new head honcho

this is melissas little brudda takin ova 4 melissa aka scooter bagwell, i plan to give you nuffin but interestin topics fo a week, awwwww yeaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

Heads Up!

I just got an email from the people with Criterion saying that they'll be putting out Rhubarb: The Millionaire Cat in a few months. So just wait a few months and you'll be able to get the Peter Cowie commentary, a 90 minute conversation with Steven Soderbergh and Martin Scorcese, and the original 2 hour and 41 minute director's cut (in that one the cat also buys a football team).

This Exists

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