Today was impressively hellish. Here's a sample:
Me: Hi, I'd like the number for Normandy Carpet, please.
411 Operator: What's the last name?
Me: It's not a name, it's a company. Normandy Carpet.
411 Operator: Oh, OK. Could you spell the second word, please?
Me: C-A-R-P-E-T.
Fellow Car Occupant #1: Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE!
Fellow Car Occupant #2: Car as in "vroom vroom" and pet as in "doggie or kittie"! Say that to her.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
CATHOLICS AND CHESS
It's a pretty good joke the creator of chess made in having the bishop be the sneakiest fucking piece.
Monday, May 25, 2009
TURN OVER
Lived life oscillates
Between the excruciating
And the rapturous,
And this itself is dizzying.
But some things are
a balm to those,
and they only come to you
how they may.
(from That's Important)
Between the excruciating
And the rapturous,
And this itself is dizzying.
But some things are
a balm to those,
and they only come to you
how they may.
(from That's Important)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I AM GOING TO SOLVE THE NORTH KOREA PROBLEM
Has anyone ever told these guys to CHILL and LAX in that order? Seriously! I mean not seriously (real Melissa) but also totally seriously more so than ever before (joke Melissa).
OH HEY I NEVER SAID HOW I FELT ABOUT "STAR TREK"
I suppose it's only film-major bigotry that makes me say "Star Trek" was "all right" when it had me WEEPING in parts.
WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT HOW TYLER PERRY IS IN "STAR TREK"?
Because (SPOILER ALERT) Tyler Perry is in "Star Trek." Like, a lot. He has tons of lines. Did Obama hold a press conference about this that I somehow missed? Because TYLER PERRY is in "STAR TREK," and we as a nation ought to be consumed with talking about it. Because it means that people that are watching "Star Trek" are looking at the screen and thinking "hey, that dude looks like Tyler Perry" AND THAT'S BECAUSE THAT IS TYLER PERRY*. Because I literally cannot get over how insane it is that TYLER PERRY was in "STAR TREK." Think about the choices an artist must make, think about the difficulty of sustaining a creative vision, and think about Tyler Perry being in "Star Trek." Because he is there. And we viewers must look at him, absorb, and think about it.
Tyler Perry is in "Star Trek."
*I am a genius, so I knew right away that it was Tyler Perry, and so for the whole movie, basically, I was stuck there going "Tyler Perry is in this."
Tyler Perry is in "Star Trek."
*I am a genius, so I knew right away that it was Tyler Perry, and so for the whole movie, basically, I was stuck there going "Tyler Perry is in this."
Saturday, May 23, 2009
HEIGHT DYNAMICS IN FASCISM AND MODERN CINEMA
Matt: I like how they make this guy taller than the other guy in this movie, to signify that he's more powerful.
Me: Yeah. Hitler used to do that, too. He'd have the chairs in his office way shorter than his own. So what I'm saying is that you've got a mind like Hitler.
Matt: (accepting) He had a good run.
(THIS IS ALL HILARIOUS JOKES; WE DON'T LIKE HITLER)
Me: Yeah. Hitler used to do that, too. He'd have the chairs in his office way shorter than his own. So what I'm saying is that you've got a mind like Hitler.
Matt: (accepting) He had a good run.
(THIS IS ALL HILARIOUS JOKES; WE DON'T LIKE HITLER)
Friday, May 22, 2009
BIG :(S
I have to go to the lady-doctor. I hate him. He has a greased handlebar mustache, and sounds like Ed Wynn.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
EVERYTHING TRACY MORGAN SAID ON "30 ROCK" IN SEASON THREE
“Oh, no! Kenneth’s a murderer and a Riddler is coming!"
(picture from my favorite moment at any awards thing ever, including ones where I am the honoree)
RITA RUDNER WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE FOR $20-25,000
The only comics who command "BIG $$$" are:
Adam Sandler
Dane Cook
Jamie Foxx
Jerry Seinfeld
Larry the Cable Guy
Ray Romano
Among those who don't: Bill Cosby ($115,000), Chris Rock ($150-200,000), and Dave Chappelle ($125-150,000).
Adam Sandler
Dane Cook
Jamie Foxx
Jerry Seinfeld
Larry the Cable Guy
Ray Romano
Among those who don't: Bill Cosby ($115,000), Chris Rock ($150-200,000), and Dave Chappelle ($125-150,000).
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
HOW NETFLIX FUCKED IT UP THIS TIME (TWICE)
In one of the best performances of his legendary career, Robert Mitchum plays small-time gunrunner Eddie “Fingers” Coyle in Peter Yates’s adaptation of George V. Higgins’s acclaimed novel The Friends of Eddie Coyle. World-weary and living hand to mouth, Coyle works on the sidelines of the seedy Boston underworld just to make ends meet. But when he finds himself facing a second stretch of hard time, he’s forced to weigh loyalty to his criminal colleagues against snitching to stay free. Directed with a sharp eye for its gritty locales and an open heart for its less-than-heroic characters, this is one of the true treasures of 1970s Hollywood filmmaking—a suspenseful crime drama in stark, unforgiving daylight.
Yes. Oh, and it also has motherfucking Peter Boyle and Alex Rocco. WEARING SEVENTIES AVIATOR GLASSES. This is actually happening, can you believe it? Criterion always fucking outdoes itself. Anyway, it came out today. And guess what my DVDs at Home table looks like, despite careful planning and crafty returning upon my part (click for big):
And here is what the top of my queue looks like:
Later, I get this in my Google Reader:
When it's really this:
This overall lameness is as big as the (probable) amazingness of The Friends of Eddie Coyle.
Yes. Oh, and it also has motherfucking Peter Boyle and Alex Rocco. WEARING SEVENTIES AVIATOR GLASSES. This is actually happening, can you believe it? Criterion always fucking outdoes itself. Anyway, it came out today. And guess what my DVDs at Home table looks like, despite careful planning and crafty returning upon my part (click for big):
And here is what the top of my queue looks like:
Later, I get this in my Google Reader:
When it's really this:
This overall lameness is as big as the (probable) amazingness of The Friends of Eddie Coyle.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
FOXY BLUE IN THE AFTERNOON
I only remember about seven things from my childhood. Here is one of them.
Once I remember watching Pam Grier on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show," promoting Jackie Brown. She told a story about trying to transport a horse in her station wagon, wherein she failed to take into account the horse's physiological needs. Long story short, at the end of the journey, when she went to un-cram her horse from the back of her car, and she found herself greeted by a tidal wave of horse urine. Ms. Grier later went on to sell the car, saying only this:
"Nobody would have told me if there was horse piss in there."
Once I remember watching Pam Grier on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show," promoting Jackie Brown. She told a story about trying to transport a horse in her station wagon, wherein she failed to take into account the horse's physiological needs. Long story short, at the end of the journey, when she went to un-cram her horse from the back of her car, and she found herself greeted by a tidal wave of horse urine. Ms. Grier later went on to sell the car, saying only this:
"Nobody would have told me if there was horse piss in there."
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A SYNECDOCHE OF WHY I AM NOT A LIBRARIAN
At the library today:
Librarian: (scanning a copy of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford) I totally missed this when it was in theaters. I only remember hearing about it while it was being made, and then after it came out on DVD.
My Mom: Yeah, movies hardly spend any time in theaters anymore.
Me: Especially if they're a little bit arty.
Librarian: (stunned look at me)
(Look, I've gotten off a genius one or two in my time, but that was not one of them)
Librarian: (scanning a copy of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford) I totally missed this when it was in theaters. I only remember hearing about it while it was being made, and then after it came out on DVD.
My Mom: Yeah, movies hardly spend any time in theaters anymore.
Me: Especially if they're a little bit arty.
Librarian: (stunned look at me)
(Look, I've gotten off a genius one or two in my time, but that was not one of them)
I FINALLY FOUND THE POEM WORTHY OF BEING READ AT MY WEDDING
The Beautiful Poem
by Richard Brautigan
I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking
about you.
Pissing a few monents ago
I looked down at my penis
affectionately.
Knowing it has been inside
you twice today makes me
feel beautiful.
3 A.M.
January 15, 1967
by Richard Brautigan
I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking
about you.
Pissing a few monents ago
I looked down at my penis
affectionately.
Knowing it has been inside
you twice today makes me
feel beautiful.
3 A.M.
January 15, 1967
THE BROTHER EXPERIENCE
If you've never had a brother, here is exactly what it is like:
"Hey, I wrote you a song (belches in your face, laughs, then turns up "Sportscenter")."
"Hey, I wrote you a song (belches in your face, laughs, then turns up "Sportscenter")."
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
GOOD DAY TUESDAY PART ZWEI
Sorry for dropping the ball on this. The only other thing worth reporting was that I was added, out of the blue, to the Twitter of one Mr. B. Hemlock. At first I thought it was just another spambot, but I've since gone over his tweets and now I'm leaning towards him being a comedian doing a character. Whatever. It's hilarious.
He's what I can tell you about Hemlock. He's a good old boy (obsessed with his 5l engine and lite beer) from "T-DOT" (Toronto), a security guard at a condo complex, and DJ's under the name "The Blue Delusion." He hates Alex Ovechkin and does not believe that "dirty" Russians should be permitted to play hockey. He frequently posts his own quotations ("'Mediocrity is the poison, excellence is the antidote.'~ Brian Hemlock"). He is a devout Christian and believes that children should be beaten. Here are some of my favorite tweets:
6 pack at lunch, sobered up, ready to give the Mustang a rip around the block!
@BR_Fighter You fight?
Fuckin lovin the new Nickelback track, "Gotta Be Somebody". Chad is fuckin give'n r as usual on vox. Such a transendant, inspiring message.
@aluniquen tennis? bahaha, you know that sport was invented by faggots right? Britain 1850, look it up.
farm road time trials in the mustang tonight. Gonna do so much salvia. FUCKING PUMPED
I want SWINE FLU so I can BEAT SWINE FLU. Nuff said.
@serenajwilliams You're the hottest chocolate to ever grace the great court, stay beautiful
@iamdiddy shut up, murderer. (re Diddy's "What yall doin? Tell me something interesting!!!!!")
#quote "I'm trained to kill, you're trained to die." ~ Brian Hemlock AKA Hemmy AKA Blue Delusion
@MamaSidney You treat your boy like that he's gonna grow up soft, the world has enough twerps and pansies, give him a smack toughen him up
@VanessaAndres decent sized boobs huh? You like big men ? Don't forget, The bigger they are, the harder they fall in love.
@Travelling_man "In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth". -Jesus Christ. Try that quote on for size...we'll work from there.
Inspirations for Keith remix: Persavearance, kanye, german minimlism (I'm a philosophy nerd lol), worship, 'n being at the top of your game.
Gonna b a shitshow Tuesday. 6 AM:Training at Gold's, 8:30 AM: Chronn sesh with Rodney, 9 AM Job interview, 10 AM celebrate new job with a 40
@guykawaski George Orwell, truly a great artist of the century, I often compare him to Tom Clancy...agree?
@Mike_Wesely #QUOTE: "Life's a fight, think you can handle it?" ~ Brian Hemlock
@Jason_Pollock #Quote: "Carpe Diem" - Brian Hemlock
@tfolkman Basketball? Sorry bro, not a real sport in my books. MMA, football...now those are sports for REAL men...not sweaty apes LOL
just pounded an arby's Big Montana. What a fucking joke.
He's what I can tell you about Hemlock. He's a good old boy (obsessed with his 5l engine and lite beer) from "T-DOT" (Toronto), a security guard at a condo complex, and DJ's under the name "The Blue Delusion." He hates Alex Ovechkin and does not believe that "dirty" Russians should be permitted to play hockey. He frequently posts his own quotations ("'Mediocrity is the poison, excellence is the antidote.'~ Brian Hemlock"). He is a devout Christian and believes that children should be beaten. Here are some of my favorite tweets:
6 pack at lunch, sobered up, ready to give the Mustang a rip around the block!
@BR_Fighter You fight?
Fuckin lovin the new Nickelback track, "Gotta Be Somebody". Chad is fuckin give'n r as usual on vox. Such a transendant, inspiring message.
@aluniquen tennis? bahaha, you know that sport was invented by faggots right? Britain 1850, look it up.
farm road time trials in the mustang tonight. Gonna do so much salvia. FUCKING PUMPED
I want SWINE FLU so I can BEAT SWINE FLU. Nuff said.
@serenajwilliams You're the hottest chocolate to ever grace the great court, stay beautiful
@iamdiddy shut up, murderer. (re Diddy's "What yall doin? Tell me something interesting!!!!!")
#quote "I'm trained to kill, you're trained to die." ~ Brian Hemlock AKA Hemmy AKA Blue Delusion
@MamaSidney You treat your boy like that he's gonna grow up soft, the world has enough twerps and pansies, give him a smack toughen him up
@VanessaAndres decent sized boobs huh? You like big men ? Don't forget, The bigger they are, the harder they fall in love.
@Travelling_man "In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth". -Jesus Christ. Try that quote on for size...we'll work from there.
Inspirations for Keith remix: Persavearance, kanye, german minimlism (I'm a philosophy nerd lol), worship, 'n being at the top of your game.
Gonna b a shitshow Tuesday. 6 AM:Training at Gold's, 8:30 AM: Chronn sesh with Rodney, 9 AM Job interview, 10 AM celebrate new job with a 40
@guykawaski George Orwell, truly a great artist of the century, I often compare him to Tom Clancy...agree?
@Mike_Wesely #QUOTE: "Life's a fight, think you can handle it?" ~ Brian Hemlock
@Jason_Pollock #Quote: "Carpe Diem" - Brian Hemlock
@tfolkman Basketball? Sorry bro, not a real sport in my books. MMA, football...now those are sports for REAL men...not sweaty apes LOL
just pounded an arby's Big Montana. What a fucking joke.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
GOOD DAY TUESDAY
1. Woke up early, and got to see the sun rise.
2. Found $3 on the ground.
3. A really nice person I met through YouTube sent me audio rips of the DVD commentaries of "The Mighty Boosh" (the DVDs are R2). And it wasn't as if I begged her to do it; she just offered, and then promptly followed up!
4. Watched "Momma's Man." Very good. Spent most of the time wishing that I had a name like Azazel.
5. Watched this:
I WANT CANNNNDY!
I will keep you abreast of all new developments.
2. Found $3 on the ground.
3. A really nice person I met through YouTube sent me audio rips of the DVD commentaries of "The Mighty Boosh" (the DVDs are R2). And it wasn't as if I begged her to do it; she just offered, and then promptly followed up!
4. Watched "Momma's Man." Very good. Spent most of the time wishing that I had a name like Azazel.
5. Watched this:
I WANT CANNNNDY!
I will keep you abreast of all new developments.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
HERE
Humor is the only thing that makes us human.
Go ahead, call me on it. Lay into me. Correct me. Modify me. Please do! I would love to refine this idea I've been nursing since my early days of high school.
Go ahead, call me on it. Lay into me. Correct me. Modify me. Please do! I would love to refine this idea I've been nursing since my early days of high school.
RE DANK
In the post before last I used the word "dank" in its slangular sense; that is, to say that something is "cool." I'd like to take this opportunity of having a keyboard in front of me and four beers in me to say that I discovered this term. My brother, who is fourteen and cool-for-high-school (meaning that he plays sports), said that one day his friend came in and said, apropos of nothing, "who wants some of this dang crack?" Now, I usually hate "crack" jokes, because they're usually lazy and I've seen too many of my friends and peers swallowed up by it to ever find the topic anything but unutterably heartbreaking (and the same goes for crystal meth).
But when my brother repeated what his friend said to me, it sounded as if he said "dank crack," which, for whatever reason, was hilarious to me. The conflation of the concept of crack (horrible) with the concept of a musty basement in desperate need of a dehumidifier (mundane) made me laugh but hard. And now I'm saying it! And writing it, on my silly blog! I'd say help me, but you and I both know the vicissitudes of language. They are not to be helped.
But when my brother repeated what his friend said to me, it sounded as if he said "dank crack," which, for whatever reason, was hilarious to me. The conflation of the concept of crack (horrible) with the concept of a musty basement in desperate need of a dehumidifier (mundane) made me laugh but hard. And now I'm saying it! And writing it, on my silly blog! I'd say help me, but you and I both know the vicissitudes of language. They are not to be helped.
WHAT A WEEKEND
Yesterday I was coming home from Balducci's (ha ha New York, we still have 'em) when I saw none other than American Hero Matthew Lesko.
He was riding on a red motor scooter covered with yellow question marks down River Road, because of course he was. What, did you think he was not going to do that?
(not my picture; when I saw him he was in a comparatively normal suit)
My brother and I waved at him, and he lit up like a clown on duty, waving broadly and sticking his tongue out. Talk about class acts! So, so fun! I've never seen Mr. Lesko out and about, so now I feel like a proper DC-er (other r-q's: vacationing at Ocean City/Delaware's Beachy Mile, deciding that you'll root for BOTH the Nationals and the Orioles, realizing that DC/Maryland* is a synecdoche of America). It totally made up for that horrible employee of Balducci's giving me (I know, ME) the stink-eye when I--get this--TOOK A FREE SAMPLE OFF OF A FREE SAMPLE TRAY. She said that she had some spiel that was supposed to go along with it, so I shouldn't have been so grabby, and also, the sample in question was wine (so again, perhaps I was too grabby, it being a controlled substance and all).
BUT, in my defense, 1) she was not manning the station when I approached, which naturally engendered confusion vis a vis protocol/procedure as to what should be taken and what shouldn't (I even shrugged my shoulders as if to say "I guess it's OK to take this, because there's no one here to tell me not to or to examine my ID; I am, as far every bit of information that this situation is providing me suggests, proceeding in the expected manner") AND 2) when I saw her approaching I immediately brandished my ID to prove that the 0.02 ounces of wine in the "cup" (barely big enough to hold a small bit of spit in) was, for me, legally consumable. There was no need, therefore, to give me a look like I had just snotted all over the vegetables and then launched into a five minute disquisition on why that was an unequivocal good.
So and then Sunday. I saw my red-headed cousin Kelly (she had on a "Panic! At the Disco" shirt on and talked about her upcoming study-abroad to Russia (yay Kells!)), ate a muffuletta, and watched tunza "The Mighty Boosh." My brother was complaining about the weekend he had: he had to go to Balducci's (he is more a "sports guy") and then spend Sunday at his grandparents' (he is fourteen), but my weekend was really...pretty great.
*DC is Maryland. Back me up on this ppls!
He was riding on a red motor scooter covered with yellow question marks down River Road, because of course he was. What, did you think he was not going to do that?
(not my picture; when I saw him he was in a comparatively normal suit)
My brother and I waved at him, and he lit up like a clown on duty, waving broadly and sticking his tongue out. Talk about class acts! So, so fun! I've never seen Mr. Lesko out and about, so now I feel like a proper DC-er (other r-q's: vacationing at Ocean City/Delaware's Beachy Mile, deciding that you'll root for BOTH the Nationals and the Orioles, realizing that DC/Maryland* is a synecdoche of America). It totally made up for that horrible employee of Balducci's giving me (I know, ME) the stink-eye when I--get this--TOOK A FREE SAMPLE OFF OF A FREE SAMPLE TRAY. She said that she had some spiel that was supposed to go along with it, so I shouldn't have been so grabby, and also, the sample in question was wine (so again, perhaps I was too grabby, it being a controlled substance and all).
BUT, in my defense, 1) she was not manning the station when I approached, which naturally engendered confusion vis a vis protocol/procedure as to what should be taken and what shouldn't (I even shrugged my shoulders as if to say "I guess it's OK to take this, because there's no one here to tell me not to or to examine my ID; I am, as far every bit of information that this situation is providing me suggests, proceeding in the expected manner") AND 2) when I saw her approaching I immediately brandished my ID to prove that the 0.02 ounces of wine in the "cup" (barely big enough to hold a small bit of spit in) was, for me, legally consumable. There was no need, therefore, to give me a look like I had just snotted all over the vegetables and then launched into a five minute disquisition on why that was an unequivocal good.
So and then Sunday. I saw my red-headed cousin Kelly (she had on a "Panic! At the Disco" shirt on and talked about her upcoming study-abroad to Russia (yay Kells!)), ate a muffuletta, and watched tunza "The Mighty Boosh." My brother was complaining about the weekend he had: he had to go to Balducci's (he is more a "sports guy") and then spend Sunday at his grandparents' (he is fourteen), but my weekend was really...pretty great.
*DC is Maryland. Back me up on this ppls!
Friday, May 8, 2009
DANK NEWS
Michael Kupperman's "Snake & Bacon" is airing on Adult Swim May 10 (Saturday night/Sunday morning) at 12:45!
(image shamefully stolt from Here Comes Madness)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
RECONSIDERATIONS
I've been re-watching The Mighty Boosh late-a-ly, and this time I think I've got it. I was always uncomfortable with how the Vince character is...perfect. Except for being a little dumb, he's beloved and usually very lucky. How can you have a comedy work with a character like that?
But what makes it work is that this character is best friends with Howard, a rather loser-ish, history-teacher-type, and chooses to spend most of his time with him. It's like if Jenny Lewis were best friends with Andrea Dworkin, and neither of them were successful. Do you get it now, too?
But what makes it work is that this character is best friends with Howard, a rather loser-ish, history-teacher-type, and chooses to spend most of his time with him. It's like if Jenny Lewis were best friends with Andrea Dworkin, and neither of them were successful. Do you get it now, too?
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