Matt in Snow

beLIEve

I ripped this out of an in-flight magazine because it is a spectacular, insane mediocrity (just like the show himself, I assume). By the time you see that the shushing rabbit has a pierced ear, that the weird Tim Burton-y lady is Thriller-dancing, and the winged top hats are turning into doves, you have to stop looking because it's hideously ugly. But do look closer, it's hilarious. For example: that there is a written-by credit. LOLOLOLOLOL!

THE MASTER AND MARGARITA

My big plan in going out to buy some cute, feminine clothes ended in exactly one purchase, this:

I am 100% sure it was cut for a guy.

2010 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. Be more like this somehow, someway

2. Reread Lolita

3. Read (and finish) Leaves of Grass

4. Get back down to goal weight (I had such a shitty shitty year!)

5. Stop falling in love with the guys who work at Barnes and Noble (SERIOUS THIS TIME)

6. Stop thinking the "hard c-word" so much. It is going to get me into trouble.

MY VERY PERSONAL BUT QUITE AUTHORATIVE TOP TEN BEST COMEDY SHOWS OF THE 00S

1. The Colbert Report
2. Look Around You
3. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
4. The Office (UK)
5. The Venture Brothers
6. Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job
7. 30 Rock
8. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
9. Arrested Development
10. Stella

Notes:

My criteria for this were: 1) Must have started in the 00s (that's why there's no Futurama or The Daily Show) and 2) must have been transcendently* funny, i.e., a game-changer. In some way or another, it had to change the way shit's did. Honorable mention to Adult Swim for creating a place where great comedy can flourish.

I omitted The Office (American) because it's so annoying and up its own ass and I goddamn can't stand looking at any of their faces (except Steve Carell and Mindy Kaling).

*This isn't how I imagined coming out of the closet, but here we are.

MY VERY PERSONAL TOP TEN FILMS OF THE 00S: EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING IT

1. Wet Hot American Summer
2. There Will Be Blood
3. Inglourious Basterds
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. Punch Drunk Love
6. George Washington
7. Ratatouille
8. The Royal Tenenbaums
9. Brokeback Mountain
10. DiG!

Notes:

I very nearly included "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy," but I feel like "Wet Hot American Summer" covered what ATLORB did, if in a different way and a little earlier. They're both game-changers, and for the better. The Royal Tenenbaums gets in largely because Rushmore can't, by technicality. If the latter had been made a little later, I might not have included TRT.

"Most underrated"*
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Pineapple Express (the best, and possibly only good movie** Seth Rogan's ever made)
Children of Men
Junebug
Bamboozled
The Saddest Music in the World
Hot Rod

*I know, I know, grammar nerds. Please bear with me.
**I haven't seen "Observe and Report" yet.

TEN THINGS I LOVE

1. Reading things in Italian

2. My mom, who is much better than I deserve

3. "Hardon" by Withered Hand



4. My brothers. Two wrassling, football-playing feminists! With brilliant senses of humor! I am blessed.

5. Being proven wrong

6. The Daily Bunny

7. Re-seeing things

8. Banh mi

9. Slick city pavement

10. Opening up

SHOCKED AND HURT

My brother just made this face because of a crack I made that went too far*. I am laughing so hard and am completely unequipped to explain why to other, less meme-savvy people. Time-travelers, help! I need you now more than I ever!

(I assume the future will have developed etiquette, or at least vocabulary for this sort of thing)

*I later apologized, no monster am I.

"EVEN KANYE?" "ESPECIALLY KANYE!"

This is what g-d's face looks like when you come into heaven.

MY FAVORITE MOMENT A MOVIE I SAW THIS YEAR

This is from David Mamet's Homicide, which came out when I was six, so forgive me for getting to it late (when the Criterion came out earlier this year). I still think about this scene (the granddaughter of the murdered woman confronting Joe Mantegna's character) once a week or so.

PRO TIP

The word "goodies" should ONLY be used in referring to these rad dads:



Them's it.

SHOCKING: "SUPERCILIOUS CUNT" ONLY HAS 520 HITS ON GOOGLE?!?

How is that even possible? It must be because people think it way more than they say it.

(I know that is true of me)

TAYLOR SWIFT: THE WORST

From Fourfour:

...if the AMAs are the celebration of a crass industry's crassness, then awarding Taylor Swift so often (via satellite) was the perfect choice, as she strikes me as particularly fake and dishonest in an industry that peddles artifice as a matter of course...yeah, I'm sure they were going to turn that camera on her and then be like, "Oh, sorry, country music singer, you didn't win." It all looked too rehearsed (and poorly -- where's the emotional variation, Taylor?), and I'm sure they told her to do this, but that she went along with it is just gross. I don't care how old you are, fraudulent is fraudulent. I'm so sick of this one and her bubblegum that she swears is country music because she pops it with the slightest of twangs. She pissed me off the second she glided back onstage at the VMAs to reclaim the acceptance speech that was so cruelly taken from her, as if she had anything of consequence to say in the first place! And then, she made the talk-show rounds that week, enthusing about how "supportive" everyone was being, as though she lost a kidney or a family member and not a minute of yammering (temporarily!). As though the Kanye debacle didn't bring her even more attention, which is CLEARLY HER POINT OF EXISTING as a commercial POP musician. You guys, make sure you support Taylor Swift after she sells a kajillion copies of her next album. It's going to be kind of rough for her and it'd be better if you didn't treat her like she was retarded, even though I know that's what you like to do to pop stars instead of worshiping them, America. Don't throw her away! Don't flush her down the toilet like the pinched guppy that she is.

I ROLL SULAWESI-STYLE

Hmm. (puts fist under chin in a move that for some reason connotes thoughtfulness) How can I convey to people that I know my way around an old-timey rumble while ingesting legal drugs? BOOM.

EYEBULBS AND MINDGRAPES

Gah! Sorry about that. That's my eye. I've been trying to figure out what the hell color it is. It's like, mostly green-y with gold flecks and a brown ring. It's not pretty, that's for sure. I had some dude say that to me once. "Your eyes, they're not going to get you much." Thanks, man.

THINGS I SAW TODAY THAT I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO UNSEE

YOWZA

Can someone make this into a t-shirt for me? I have a date tonight.

SORRY TO GET POLITICAL

(hissedwhisper)Why isn't anyone stopping him? This is the Beatles, for fuck's sake! What's next, the other most beloved popular art in the world? Jezus.(/hissedwhisper)

I AM ON A DIET

LADYBUG!

I'm going to take this as a good omen. Why not?