BLUG

Just found out that this year's baby seal hunt is on. I've somehow managed to avoid hearing about it. Jesus. How is this still happening?!? And why does Canada, America's Sensible Older Sister (TM), let it continue? I mean, I know why, but really. If you catch my drift.

GIVE!

This word is really overused, but sometimes it is necessary:

This is the randomest celebrity/charity pair ever.

(like 'em both, though)

MY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD BROTHER'S OMEGLE FIGHT WITH MICHAEL CERA

You: hi
Stranger: Hey, I'm Michael Cera
You: your movies suck
Stranger: No they dont
You: yea they do A-Hole
Stranger: I have a new one coming out with Jack Black
You: called what?
Stranger: Year One
You: what's the premise?
Stranger: It's funny as anything
You: way to brag
You: you'll bring in less than meet dave
Stranger: It's the year 1 and we're lazy cavemen who have to save a (cave?!)girl
Stranger: Very original, very funny, check it out, the trailers on the apple website now
You: you're making a movie and you're not sure what it's about
Stranger: Yes I do, check the trailer out
You: hmm i'll consider it
Stranger: Do it, I want your money LOL
You: I'm not considerin, i was just f'ing with ya Butthole
Stranger: Oh well, I'm worth more than your whole family will ever make anyway
You: you wanna dance
You: i'll knock the crap out of you
Stranger: I only foxtrot
Stranger: Or the lambada...but not with guys
You: i'll teach ya the bleeding loser
Stranger: I don't need to fight I have a bodyguard
You: who charlene yi
Stranger: See he protects me while I make millions and waste it on shit because I can
Stranger: Because I'm worth more than you plebs
Stranger: And that means I'm a better person in this society
Stranger: <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<_________>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You: i bet you don't even know who charlene yi is

OBSERVED

A synonym of "politically correct" is "not fucked up." For example, "I hate this 'not fucked up' mentality our society has! If I want to say fucked up* things, I do it!" But it's harder to be proud of being "fucked up."

*"un-P.C."

PENMAN'S SHIP

“ A man’s penmanship is an unfailing index of his character, moral and mental, and a criterion by which to judge his peculiarities of taste and sentiments

--Lord Philip Stanhope

Me: sloppily elegant. Full of flourish, yet controlled. Really good capital L's, T's, F's, and M's. My cursive has always been important to me because my boarding-school-educated grandmother was very particular about those kinds of things (her thank-you notes are exquisite). Now I don't know if my own grandchildren will be taught it. I might have to make them.

RING-A-DING-A-DING-DONG, I'M-A GET MY NOM ON

Remember when I asked a few months ago what that place on Rockville Pike that has a huge sign reading "HOOKAH/SHISHA/BUBBLE TEA/GELATO"? I found it. It's called Sam's Cafe, and looks awesome.

TEN ON THE SHUFF

Les Savy Fav "Adoptuction"

TV on the Radio "Dreams"

Jacques Brel "Les vieux"

The Fall "Neighborhood of the Infinity (live)"

Pixies "Isla de Encanta"

Les Savy Fav "Comes & Goes"

Brian Jonestown Massacre "Miss June '75"

Club 8 "Jesus, Walk With Me"

Matmos "Ur Tchun Tan Tse Qi"

The Kinks "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

(big LOLz at the irony of that last one--because I am!)

GODDAMN

I don't want to beat the Eastbound and Down drum too hard, but this guy:



I love this monster.

THE GRAY SURREALISM OF POLISH MOVIE POSTERS

Capricorn One



Chinatown



Critters



Big Trouble in Little China



Paris, Texas



(all available here)

TWO WAYS I AM LIKE DIPLO

DAILY FAIL

How many hours long do you think the Daily Mail editor's meeting was where they had to decide what Kim Kardashian is know for/as? Seven?

JUST IN TIME!!!

If I didn't have Diddy and David Lynch in my life, I don't know what I'd do.

MARYLAND STATE ANTHEM

I didn't know if you knew about this, but the official anthem of Maryland is all about murdering Abraham Lincoln and how rad it is to have slaves. Now, a lot has changed in the last 150 years (700 cultural-years), and good old Maryland is now one of the last states that would expect to embody those sorts of sentiments. We're solidly Democratic, have the highest rate of African-Americans with postgraduate degrees (especially when you count DC, which everyone here does, this is also v. imp. to note), and none of our citizens have killed Lincoln--or even abetted the murderer/s!--since 1865. So it's past time we got a new official song, and I have some suggestions:

The Blackbyrds--Rock Creek Park



Yes, this is about DC, but as I said before, DC is pretty much MD. Also, it is about doin' it (in the park), which everyone can relate to. Most importantly, this song is SUPA-FONKY!

Bad Brains--any



Because Bad Brains, that's why.

Animal Collective--Merriwether Post Pavillion (2009)



The indisputably Maryland Animal Collective released the CRABULOUS Merriwether Post Pavillion earlier this year (psst also sort of last year when it leaked shh don't tell mom or the riaa). Therefore I am nominating the whole 55-minute album to be Maryland's anthem, and I hope it gets played before every O's/Nats/Caps/Redskins/United/Ravens game.

Billie Holiday--any



Because Billie Holiday, that's why.

BREAKING NEWS

The rabbit at my grandfather's care center is a girl, and her name is Thumper. Also, I realized that I am probably not suited to a career in Elder Care Activity Directing, because I am not crazy enough.

(seriously, though, those ladies are doing the Lord's work)

TWEETER OF THE MONTH REVISED

I'm afraid I'm going to have to revoke Bill Corbett's title of Melissa J. Gyaltsen's* Tweeter of the Month, as I've just been informed that Martha Stewart's dogs, Francesca and Sharkey, are now on Twitter. Congratulations, gals!

*That's ME!

WHAT

The best I can figure, this is a Japanese version of In the Valley of Elah with animated rabbits and camels. Oh, and it's called "Cat Shit One." Before you judge, just think: maybe Japan doesn't know that the Iraq War is real and people are dying in it every day, but that it's the greatest viral marketing campaign EVER.

(for In the Valley of Elah, natch)

TWEETER OF THE MONTH

Bill Corbett is best known as Crow during the Sci Fi Channel years of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," and if his Twitter is to be believed, he's also a total mensch. It's one of my darker nerd secrets, but I always thought that those seasons were better than the Comedy Central ones, and, judging by his tweets alone, I think I'm going to chalk that up to Corbett (who started around that time). Especially since that upsetting Mike-Nelson-endorsing-George-W.-Bush interview that ruined my 2004.

But what makes him Tweeter of the Month is that he @s people I admire who I would have NEVER imagined him knowing, like America's Sweetheart Julie Klausner, or America's Playwriting Sweetheart Jason Grote. It honest-to-god tickles me to see those. The best. I love this dude.

RADIO FREETOWN

It's so hard to pick your favorite WFMU show, but Radio Freetown is, for me, pretty high up there. Nothing but West African funk from the 70s, which is to American funk what chunky black tar heroin is to baby aspirin.

SALVING YOUR WOUNDS

Who knows if "Eastbound and Down" is coming back, but at least for now we have Kenny Powers's twitter feed.

JON GLASER AND MORRISSEY ON "LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON"

It's like the inside of my head at any given time was on TV last night at 1:30.

YOU MAKE MY DAY

This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I'd think it was Tim and Eric but the style is just slightly off.

(via Videogum)

LIFE GOALS

Tonight I'm going to drink beer and eat popcorn and watch shit on the DVR, because fuck all y'all motherfuckers.

I'VE TWATTED

Remember when T0by Y0ung* and his tireless campaign to ruin this last season of Top Chef? The worst. And now he's harping on my boy* Graham Linehan!

*That is, I enjoy his TV shows and blogs and tweets

KELE FROM BLOC PARTY IN A CLINTON PORTIS JERSEY

(via Mr. Irrelevant)

DEAR AMERICA

I am never, ever forgiving you for failing to totally embrace "Eastbound and Down."

(unless, of course, you start to)

SINCE IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING

Here's the bunny at my grandfather's rehab center. We are best friends.





I don't know what his/her's name is, because I feel uncomfortable troubling the nurses there with ANYTHING.

IT'S MARCH 20TH!

Why isn't anyone doing anything to stop this? Where are the heroes? I would do something but I have all these podcasts to listen to!

THE LITTLEST HOBO

I just heard about the Canadian classic, The Littlest Hobo, from Paul F. Tompkins, who heard it from the Kids in the Hall. Now, guess which moments in the theme song made me literally LOL?

(it was Alan Hale and the dog running with a gun, adjusting his weight as he gambols)

DAVID LYNCH

SNOW OWL (HE IS SO PLEASED!)

I love this, too. I think it's the look on the owl's face. Any pet owner would know it. It's the look they get when they've done something they have no damn business being proud of but are (or look so) anyway.

(in this case, it's the murder of a small human child)

((found on ovvlverk))

SNOW KITTY

I found this on Animal Planet today, and I really love it (but as I've said many times, I might be r------d).

TWENTY QUESTIONS

1. What newspapers do you read?

The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian

2. Which ones do you move your lips to while reading?

Le Monde

3. Which Web sites are on your favorites bookmark?

Pff. I have a million bookmarks. I have about twenty fucking categories of bookmarks. To keep it short, I'll only mention the ones I have under "Bookmarks" in Safari: The Onion, AST Forums, Friends of Tom, and Wikipedia's Deaths in 2009. In my Safari toolbar (i.e. the ones I need on-the-ready) I have Google Reader, Wikipedia, iGoogle, Amazon, Netflix, Youtube, Flickr, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogger, Wish List (for Amazon), and Subscribe (for Google Reader).

4. Where do you get your car washed?

Up your butt and around the corner (Germantown).

5. Do you know your dentist's first name?

Yes, Laleh (she's Egyptian).

6. Do you believe newspapers are going to die? If so, when?
Yes. Within the next five to ten years.

7. What was the last book you read?

Everything and More by David Foster Wallace

8. What's the last book you say you read?

The one that I fucking did. I would do even if it was a Suzanne Somers memoir.

9. If you got a unicorn what would you name it?

Dan.

10. What does your TiVo think about you?

I take forever in getting around to watching movies.

11. character of fiction you most resemble?

Probably the sister that nobody liked in Pride and Prejudice (Mary?), or Hal Incandenza.

12. Who plays you in your bio-pic?

Andy Breckman.

13. Do you floss?

Yup.

14. Did you ever believe your toys come alive when you leave the room?

Yes.

15. How many old cell phones do you own?

One.

16. Best show legendary biz/movie star encounter.

Wayne Newton.

17. Do you get satellite radio?

No.

18. And as a follow do you "get" satellite radio?

I prefer WFMU.

19. Do you read the Enquirer/InTouch/US/people?

Usually only at the beach.

20. Do you lie about it?

I have nothing to hide.

OH HELL MOTHERFUCKING YEAH

MORE WEIRD QUIZNO'S ITALIAN

(trans.: "I always say: 'friends and macaroni are no good unless they're warm.' It's strange but true.")




(trans.: "She gave more attention to him than to me. She talked more with him than with me.")

SERIOUS QUESTION

Why am I always able to solve "difficult" sudokus, but sometimes stumble on "easy" ones?

REASONS TO EAT REFINED SUGARS

1. They taste delicious.

2. Excess fat makes sitting in hard chairs comfortable.

3. Life is miserable, so why have a lot of it?

4. Post-sugar come-down periods encourage serious reflection about your life.

5. It is good for the economy probably.

(inspired by this)

OH NO

RUN, STEPHEN, RUN!

ALL OF YOU DOUBTED ME

HOT ROD starts to get its due.

YES YES YES

Ta-Nehisi Coates is the coolest.

TODAY I WIN*

HA HA I FOUND AN ERROR ON THE NATIONAL GRAMMAR DAY WEBSITE!

UNDER #9:

You might have memorized list of prepositions when you were in school.

WHUH???? TRY AGAIN PEE-DANTS!

*The title of "Top Asshole"

I THINK HE'S COOL

"I want to indian burn this kid's house down."

--My brother

(I can't imagine what he'd do to the "no cussing" kid)